Recently I have come to the realisation that something needs to change. I need to change. I have spent the last five years functioning in survival mode - literally getting from one day to the next. I thought I was living but I wasn't. Having Reggie triggered me to breakdown and have to start rebuilding my mental health from scratch.
During my pregnancy the only thing I was worried about was how Will would cope and getting him ready and prepared for our next big challenge - being parents. Not once did I even think I would be the problem. But in all honesty I was (am).
Looking back at photos from Reggie's first year on Earth I realise how bad I let my mind get. I was surrounded by support but didn't ever let anyone truly in. My mind was my worst enemy. I even told my mum I thought Reggie would be better off living with another family, a family who could give him the life we so desperately want to give him. This of course was only a thought from the very depths of despair my poisoned brain was tricking me into thinking was reality.
Both Will and I were born into middle class families, who had worked so hard for the lives they had built, I dread to think where we would be now if we weren't so fortunate with our birth lottery. Because of this we have never been to the darkest depths of pain of financial poverty but we are and probably always will be a low income family.
Will has severe memory issues which has been a huge obstacle since returning home, one I didn't fully realise until I had Reggie. Suddenly I couldn't keep all the plates spinning for us both and eventually everything came crashing down. If I think too much about the reality of our situation I would not leave my bed because it is too depressing, instead I am choosing to share, connect and learn.
Recently, on a very normal day I sat down and I finally spoke to the camera on my phone honestly. I shared on instgram that I feel alone and I need to no longer feel alone.
The reality is I care for my husband. The reality is we are not normal. The reality is our son will learn his dad can't remember things. Our reality is not one I would choose nor wish for anyone else. But it is our lot in life and something I have learnt about Will and myself is we are survivors.
However I will not survive without talking and surrendering to the fact I cannot handle it all. So I guess what I am really trying to say is, I want to meet and connect with more people, probably predominantly women, who are caring for their partners. Woman are always cast in caring rolls so being a carer and a women is often an overlooked position but it shouldn't be.
Our financial future depends on me. I am the bread winner but I also want so desperately to spend time with my son. Our life is solely dependent on me. I am not complaining, I chose this path, because I know Will would have done the same but it doesn't make it easier. But that pressure is taking its toll and it feels like something only people who are in similar situations would truly understand.
I hope this is the start (of something new - high school musical fans!) of something amazing. I love Instagram and I am so hopeful it will be the place of safety and community I so desperately need.
So if you are reading this and you feel the same or know someone who is in a similar situation to ours please contact me through contact page or head over to my Instagram. I want to connect so we can be a support system for each other - lets hold each other up. x