Not the Start we Wanted

I don't know about you but there have been times this week I have felt truly lost and unable to understand how we have got to where we are. Watching the news has felt like watching a film. One I would never watch. It has also made me again remember and acknowledge the privilege in which I have grown. 
 
It has been a dark reminder that we live in a world where some people have so much hate in their hearts. But it also has shown me once again the mistreatment of so many people based purely on the colour of their skin. After watching the BLM protests over the last year and seeing them in stark contrast with the videos from the last week, it has reminded me again to work harder on what I can do to be a part of challenging my own ignorance. I am learning how to use my privilege. I need and want to feel uncomfortable because only then do I know I am learning or rather 'unlearning'. 

Some things I am doing to diversify our life and learn to do better: 

1. Following people who don't look like me. To name a few @ajabarber @stylefitfatty @oumi_janta @slipintostyle @sheflourished_ @shakira.akabus @candicebrathwaite
2. Read books to learn - Next up - Why I am No Longer Talking to White People About Race 
3. Buy books for Reggie with a diverse range of people 
4. Acknowledge when I feel uncomfortable and do the work to learn why 

Obviously we all have a way to go. This journey has only just started and I feel embarrassed by the time it has taken for the world to listen to the voices of people of colour. So I suppose this is just one of the small ways I hope to help. My influence is small, and because of the people and place I come from largely are doing the same work as I am. However, I need to show up and stand up in the ways I can. ​

As the world feels extremely heavy and life seems like one disaster after another, it can be easy to overthink and catastophise. As an introvert who loves being home and enjoying time alone, I'm sure this has impacted my experience of lockdown. It has made me realise quite how lucky we are. I feel huge gratitude for our incomes, our home and most of all our child. However, I do realise not everyone loves solitude and the confines of home! The prospect of another lockdown felt very daunting despite my wanting desire to stay inside. I am, by nature, a worrier, a catastrophiser and worst still - a silent sufferer. 

Things I am doing to stay calm 

• Think only a day/week ahead. The six weeks (or more) ahead feel never ending. This is a situation beyond comprehension. Our brains are not built to understand the situation we find ourselves in. Take it day by day. 
• Look for the evidence. In the last lockdown, I was so worried about one of us needing to go to hospital I actually became more clumsy. In the first week, I sliced my finger on a can and thought I had broken my leg! But the evidence is we rarely need the doctors so unless we did something really silly we were safe. Although Reggie has needed lots of admissions for chest infections, staying in a warm spot was his safest place. The evidence is, our risk is low - we are safe. 
• Get outside. I am someone who can easily fall into the trap of feeling like the outside is a scary place to be. I lose confidence in facing the world beyond our safe four walls. I lose confidence in my ability as a mother. So everyday I will go outside because it is for the best, for everyone. 
• Communicate - In the first lockdown our daily family zoom calls were a real highlight of the day. We had the same conversations, made the same jokes and each call meant one more day of lockdown was ticked off - done. 
• Find your joy - A small slice of your day when you can forget all about the world and melt into another realm - just for a bit. At the moment, my joy is the YouTube channel, Never Too Small.  Watching how people have transformed their tiny spaces - the calming music and minimalist lifestyle makes me forget - even just briefly, the world outside.
• Find a challenge - For me, my ongoing challenge is to swim once a week with my mum. I am eternally thankful for the lockdown rules allowing this to continue. The shock of the cold sea and the elation afterwards propels me through the next week. You could have a daily challenge - a weekly challenge. Something to focus your mind and body. 
• It's okay to do the bare minimum - survival is okay. We must all only do our best and if our best is just getting through the day - then that is more than enough. Trust me.
  

This past week has been heavy. It is not the start to the year we were all hoping for. 'Normal life' is still a long way off - our world is still rife with racism and our lives are not as we knew them. 
I have no wise words or knowledge on what to do or say. But I do know when life returns to us and we see real changes in the minds and actions of people we will know how far we have come. No longer will the mundane feel boring - it will feel amazing. I hope we can remember everything we missed during this time and we will never take it for granted again. 

Amy